8/26/08

2008-08-26T23:57:20Z

So last night was a crazy night. My husband and I are not getting along at all. We started fighting as soon as I walked in the door. There is so much back story to this one and it is pretty complicated. But the main story is I started going to a unitarian church, which I just love. The husband does not want me to take the kids to church at all because of "brainwashing" issues, I guess. I love the church because it welcomes anyone. It does not turn away anyone because of their beliefs or their lifestyle. So, they welcome gay people. On the other side of the story from last night, I have been hanging out with my "gay husband" MB. We like to go to the gay bars together and watch the drag shows. We have a friend that we work with that does drag and those shows are so much fun. My sister in law, SS, decided that she has me all figured out. She has been telling my husband that I am a lesbian. So now he thinks that I have been whoring myself around all over the place, to all of the lesbians at the gay bar. And whats funny is that I have only seen maybe one or two at the bars that we go to.

So another point of this story is that I have come to the realization that I am bi. Not because of what SS said. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. I am in an awful marriage. Being with a woman is something that I have always wanted to try, just never had the chance. I just want to be with someone who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And I dont care if it is a guy or a girl. All of my relationships with my girlfriends have been better than any relationship that I've had with any guy. If fact, the one with my best friend, RR, is wonderful. Sometimes I have honestly thought that I was in love with her, sometimes infatuated with her. But, of course, I cant tell her that. And I would never try to do anything with her. But she is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I wish things could be different. But I cant dwell on that.....

I will have to finish this later.

8/25/08

2008-08-25T23:30:42Z

So this is about the 5th journal that I have started in the past year. Every single one that I have started, my husband always finds it but I'm not going to let that happen this time. There are just somethings that I dont want him to know about but I need to get it out somehow. I've been with him for about 10 years and we have been married for about 8. We have 3 wonderful children. Each one of them has their own little quirks but they are perfect to me and I love them more than anything or anyone else in this universe. There is so much going on in my life right at this moment and it is hard to grasp everything. I'm not sure that I like the woman that I have turned out to be but I am working on being true to myself. And if I'm happier, I will be a better mother, first and foremost. As far as being a better wife, I dont know that I necessarily want that to happen.

My husband and I have always had a rocky marriage. In a nut shell, he is very mentally abusive to me. Most of the time, I cant stand being around him but I tolerate him. I really dont think that he loves me. I know that he doesnt love me like a husband should love his wife. I'm about 99% sure that he has cheated on me more than once. I have tried to get out of the relationship many many times but I am not strong enough. I am scared of what he will do to retaliate. In fact, just the other night he said that whatever I am planning to do, he will do 10 times worse.

My best friend I have had for many many years. Since the turn of the century. Next to my kids, she is the most important person in my life. I love and cherish her more than I could ever love my husband any day. I will tell more about that later.

My other closest friend is so important to me, also. He is what I want in a man, only he is gay. He hasnt been around for very long but right at this moment, I couldnt live without him. My husband is very jealous of the relationship I have with him and doesnt like it when I am with him. But I work with him and see him more than I do anyone else.

I have 2 sisters that I love dearly. I am the oldest one of the group and there is a pretty big age difference between the 3 of us. My younger sister likes to alienate herself from me. We get along pretty well for the most part but we are not very close at all. I am closest to my youngest sister. She is in college and is recently engaged. She is a very good person and has the morals that I have always wanted.

I am very close to my parents. They have been together for 35+ years but they have had a really interesting, sometimes twisted relationship over the years. It's pretty much why I married the type of man that I did.

My sister in law is a male version of my husband. She is a big pain in my ass most of the time.

Those are pretty much the key players in my life right now. Each one has so much to tell about. And they all contribute to my circus of a life.

confused_lady33

8/26/08

8/25/08