So this is about the 5th journal that I have started in the past year.   Every single one that I have started, my husband always finds it but I'm not going to let that happen this time.  There are just somethings that I dont want him to know about but I need to get it out somehow.  I've been with him for about 10 years and we have been married for about 8.  We have 3 wonderful children.  Each one of them has their own little quirks but they are perfect to me and I love them more than anything or anyone else in this universe.  There is so much going on in my life right at this moment and it is hard to grasp everything.  I'm not sure that I like the woman that I have turned out to be but I am working on being true to myself.  And if I'm happier, I will be a better mother, first and foremost.  As far as being a better wife, I dont know that I necessarily want that to happen.  

My husband and I have always had a rocky marriage.  In a nut shell, he is very mentally abusive to me.  Most of the time, I cant stand being around him but I tolerate him.  I really dont think that he loves me.  I know that he doesnt love me like a husband should love his wife.  I'm about 99% sure that he has cheated on me more than once.  I have tried to get out of the relationship many many times but I am not strong enough.  I am scared of what he will do to retaliate.  In fact, just the other night he said that whatever I am planning to do, he will do 10 times worse.

My best friend I have had for many many years.  Since the turn of the century.  Next to my kids, she is the most important person in my life.  I love and cherish her more than I could ever love my husband any day.  I will tell more about that later.

My other closest friend is so important to me, also.  He is what I want in a man, only he is gay.  He hasnt been around for very long but right at this moment, I couldnt live without him.  My husband is very jealous of the relationship I have with him and doesnt like it when I am with him.  But I work with him and see him more than I do anyone else.

I have 2 sisters that I love dearly.  I am the oldest one of the group and there is a pretty big age difference between the 3 of us.  My younger sister likes to alienate herself from me.  We get along pretty well for the most part but we are not very close at all.  I am closest to my youngest sister.  She is in college and is recently engaged.  She is a very good person and has the morals that I have always wanted.  

I am very close to my parents.  They have been together for 35+ years but they have had a really interesting, sometimes twisted relationship over the years.  It's pretty much why I married the type of man that I did.

My sister in law is a male version of my husband.  She is a big pain in my ass most of the time.

Those are pretty much the key players in my life right now.  Each one has so much to tell about.  And they all contribute to my circus of a life.